FAKE: Cops in Tights
by Lakshmi Dragonfhain
Summary: The 27th's putting on Robin Hood: Men in Tights! Why? Because they can, of course! Warning: extreme zaniness, sexual and racial jokes taken from the movie script. And Shonenai, of course. RyoXDee May change rating later...
1. Prologue

_Hey everyone! It's been a while since I put a story up here...anyways, this was inspired by a lot of different things, mostly FAKE and "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" as you will see. My character list for "FAKE: Cops in Tights" so far is as follows. I still need someone to play Asneeze, Latrine, King Richard, Rabbi Tuckman and the assassin guys...I can give people multiple parts if I need to (except Dee and Ryo, obviously). But any suggestions from those of you who have seen the movie and read the manga would be much apprieciated ._

**Cast (as decided by Dee):**

Dee: Robin Hood

Ryo: Maid Marian

JJ: Will Scarlet

Drake: Little John

Rose: Sheriff of Rotingham

Bikky: Achoo

Mother: Broomhilde

Ted: Blinkin

Diana: Prince John

**Prologue**

"Dee! I refuse to wear a…a chastity belt!" Ryo threw the hunk of metal and script down and glared at his lover.

"Aw, c'mon baby," Dee pleaded, looking up at Ryo over his own copy of the script. "You only have to wear it in two or three scenes."

Ryo crossed his arms decidedly and pursed his lips. "No."

"It was either you or JJ," he whined, toying with the key in his fingers. "And if that little snot was Marian, I'd quit."

For a moment, Ryo was silent. Then, with a heavy sigh, he raked his fingers through his honey-blond hair and hung his head. "Fine."

Dee grinned in triumph and leaned across the table to give his lover a quick peck on the cheek.

"Why do I have to do this?" Bikky complained as he stumbled into the kitchen, pushing a red turban up on his head so it was out of his eyes. He scowled at Dee and sat in a chair between the two cops.

"You don't want to be in a _movie_?" Dee asked, pretending as hard as he could to be surprised. He'd had to bully the little monkey into playing the part and wasn't at all looking forward to acting opposite him. But he was the only one who could fill the role correctly…

"He's right," Ryo interrupted, propping his chin in his palm and looking at Dee. "Why are any of us doing this?"

"Um…" He glanced around the room, letting his bright green gaze linger on the scripts on the table, and pushed his black hair out of his face with a masculine gesture.

"You have no idea, do you?"

The cop shrugged and flipped his script open to try and change the subject. His eyes lit up immediately upon seeing the scene he had flipped to and he looked up at Ryo. "Shall we run the end of scene thirty-seven?"

Ryo furrowed his brow for a moment, grabbed Dee's script and turned it around so he could read it. He blushed and snapped the script closed at what he read, sliding it back towards the other cop.

Dee chuckled and leaned close, forgetting all about Bikky's presence. "We could do it without the belt."

"No." He pulled back and blushed. "Bikky, get out of your costume. We'll get the turban fixed later."

Bikky shrugged and tore the turban off his head, exposing his shockingly blond hair. His blue eyes glanced between Ryo and Dee for a moment before he snorted and slid off the chair, disappearing into the living room.

"What?" Dee said, pulling back from his lover with a confused look on his handsome face.

Ryo said nothing, motioning with his black eyes at the doorway to the living room Bikky had just gone through.

The other cop rolled his eyes and flopped back in his chair, digging for his cigarettes. "He's gonna have to deal, Ryo. He's in the damn movie."

"Only because _you_ didn't want to change it so anyone else could play the part."

Dee felt the overwhelming urge to stick his tongue out but he fought it valiantly, saying instead, "It would ruin half the jokes."

Ryo scowled and stood up, carefully picking up his script and chastity belt. "If you want to keep the racial jokes, I can't stop you. But I'm sure Mother doesn't approve."

Dee made a face as his half-Japanese partner turned and stalked out of the room.

This wasn't going to be easy.


	2. Chapter 1

_I'm very surprised at the popularity this had gotten already! Anyways...most of the dialogue is the movie script with my own touches as to what I think the FAKE characters would add/make more modern. And those of you who're reading this, please leave a review! Oh, and nothing except the idea of putting the two ideas together is mine (unfortunately)._

The chief sat behind the podium, fuming. What the hell was going on and how the hell did Dee get him to do it?

Speak of the devil…

Dee was dragged in by another cop in Arab costume, complaining loudly. "You don't have to be so rough, man!"

Chief stood and cleared his throat, trying his darndest to get into character. "Hello!" he chimed in a way that made everyone in the room freeze in shock. Who knew the chief had a voice like that? He cleared his throat again and continued with his line, "I am Falafel…you're maitre de dungeon. Please allow me to show you to your cell…"

Dee shrugged and had no choice but to follow. As he tried to go through the doorway, he hit his head on the top of the doorframe. "Ouch!"

"Duck!" Chief called back, sniggering. "Always forget that, sorry."

He quickly appraised Dee and held out his hand. "So sorry but we cannot seat you without the proper attire."

"Huh?" Dee looked around the dungeon and saw that everyone had a long, bushy beard. He ran a hand self-consciously over his clean-shaven chin. "Sure I can't just stay unbelievably hot?"

"Nope. Here." Chief tied a fake beard on Dee's face and stepped back. "That's much better. Now…I leave you in the capable hands of Malkar, our head guard. If there's anything you need, don't hesitate to scream."

One of the other officers in the 27th whose name Dee didn't know stepped out of the shadows and leaned over Dee with a smile that was trying to be menacing but came off rather more goofy. "Robin of Loxley…where is your king?"

"King?" Dee asked, acting confused. "King? And which king might that be? King Richard? King Louis? There're way too many of those…" A secret smile lighted on his handsome lips—this was his favorite part in the entire show…except of course the parts where Ry—Maid Marian was half-undressed… "King Kong?"

"Impertinent street rat!" He reached behind him for something metal and very unpleasant-looking. "You shall talk."

"I don't think so." Dee stuck his tongue out at the other cop.

The other cop seized his chance and grabbed Dee's tongue with the metal tongs. He twisted and tugged unpleasantly but still Dee didn't say anything, didn't even seem to be in pain. Finally the cop gave up and led Dee to a little out-of-the-way alcove where a young boy was watching with great curiosity.

He had black hair and dark eyes and was wearing loose Arab-looking clothing and a big blue turban.

"You're totally brave for a cop," the boy said approvingly once the guard had retreated.

"Why you little—" Dee began growling but the boy cut him off with, "I've been here for a while. Maybe I can help you. Any questions?"

Dee considered for a moment before asking, "What're you in for?"

The teen laughed. "Jaywalking."

"I see."

"It won't be easy getting out of here," the teen pointed out sadly.

"What we need is a great feat of strength," Dee said thoughtfully, raising his wrist to look at the chains attached there.

"Au contraire!" the boy exclaimed happily. "Now that you're here, we've got great strength of feet! What a lame line!"

He was silent for a moment, looking at the boy in confusion. "Don't follow."

"Look, just follow me. Put your feet here. Both of them, idiot. Now…on the count of 'kick…'"

He waited for a moment before shouting, "kick!"

There was a deafening crash as the bar came loose, allowing them to slide the chains out of the links on the bar…

The door to the dungeon flew open to reveal yet JJ with fake facial hair and a large plastic nose. He looked around and almost caught Dee and the boy putting the bar back in place. "What was that noise?"

"Noise?" Dee and the teen asked in unison, glanced at each other.

The boy thought fast and put his hand, fingers splayed, on Dee's heart. "What you heard was this poor man's heart breaking. He's decided to rat out his king in exchange for his own life. Go tell your boss before he changes his mind!"

"Goodness! You'd really do that, Dee?" JJ asked excitedly, adjusting his fake moustache. "How great!"

"Go!"

"I'm gonna get a promotion for this!"

"Go!" The teen ordered again, anxiously.

JJ stepped towards the door, stopped and said, "good news is always rewarded!"

"Please go," Dee begged, unable to help glancing towards the barred window.

JJ grinned and stepped out of the door for a moment. He bounded back in just as Dee and the boy began undoing their chains again. They froze as he said, oblivious to what they were doing, "On the other hand…bad news is severely punished…" He shrugged and went back out, closing the door behind him.

They waited a moment to see if the violet-haired detective would come back before springing into action. They pulled their own chains off and then freed the rest of the prisoners and used the combined brute strength of everyone in the dungeon to put the gate away from the window.

JJ came back giddy. "I just told them the good news and…and…and…" he noticed the empty dungeon and sat down dejectedly in the middle of the floor. "And I'm in deep shit. Why'd you do this to me Dee-senpai?!"

On a beach somewhere (not in Africa but we can pretend), Dee and the teen stood looking at the ocean.

"It's a long way from Africa to England, man," the boy said.

Dee stared out over the ocean and shrugged. "No problem. I owe you one. I'm Robin of Loxley."

"And I'm Lai, best friend of Bikky. He's in England, your country, as an exchange student. Though I can't see how the hell he got the grade to do it…anyways, you'll look after him, won't you? He's pretty cocky and headstrong."

Dee shrugged again. "Sure."

Lai rolled his eyes, wishing his fellow actors would stick to the script, and pointed out at the water. "You've gotta go, man. Or else you'll miss the tide."

"Right." Dee grinned at Lai and turned to the sea. "I'm find that little baboon and take care of him…for a while…"

"See ya, man," Lai called as he watched Dee dive into the water and begin swimming North. He shook his head and turned his back. "He's never gonna make it."


End file.
